I’m a magnet for swooping magpies. During an 18km bike ride to Eurobin and back yesterday I was attacked or threatened five times by three different birds.

I’m convinced it’s personal, as other people cycling the same route weren’t swooped. They must be attracted to my yellow bike or my cap, as I walked part of the same trail on Sunday without drama.

The cap is faded maroon, turned purple through rain, featuring a Fitzroy Football Club monogram. The Fitzroy reference could be the problem. Those vultures who call themselves Magpies on the wrong side of Smith Street can never resist an opportunity.

These birds are cowards, because they swoop from behind. I found on the way back that I could repel them by turning around to confront them, waving a big stick. Sounds just like Collingwood!